


Subaru Shack Model

by nonsannochetuseilantartide



Series: Bene Vivit Qui Cenat [1]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Not Officially Married but We're here, Post-Canon Fix-It, Road Trip, crack and fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:20:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28216839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonsannochetuseilantartide/pseuds/nonsannochetuseilantartide
Summary: After Elias’ death, Jon and Martin found themselves in the safehouse, learning that everything that happened before has changed. Tim, Sasha, basically everyone is alive and well, and the Entities...well, the Entities just don’t seem to appear in their life.Everything is fine, until Tim decides to throw a party for his birthday, that Martin and Jon sure don’t want to miss.Except for the fact that their car doesn’t want to collaborate.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Series: Bene Vivit Qui Cenat [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2067045
Kudos: 2





	Subaru Shack Model

**Author's Note:**

> tw: throwing up mention

Martin jumped into the car, because if you want to go anywhere with the car before everything you have to enter into it.  
Sure, with his sleepy being he could might as well have stayed there and waited like an idiot an inexistent automatic opening, but the glacial cold on the door brought him back at the reality while slowly opening it.  
Where would he go?  
Ah yes. Birthday. Tim. Funny stuff everyone happily in London.  
Everybody happily to party, like the lovely company of young men they were.  
They solved the Apocalypse like an year before and yet they had to drive all over the island to get drunk.  
They, let’s be clear about this.  
Jos was dressed with the first four things he found at the bottom of the bed, a t shirt under a sweater under an heavier sweater under a coat thick as a cow’s leg, the forehead on the closed door.  
-But do we really need to leave now? It’s six am!- grumbled, shooting a pitiful look the little house in the middle of the endless Scottish prairie. It was so small, at the dawn’s light that was already climbing the mountains in the distance.  
Martin looked at him from the car’s inside.  
-Open the door and don’t act like a kid. From here to London there are many hours and for this evening we have to take the cake and getting ready- took a gaze to the car’s back, where a pile of ironed clothes was on the seat.  
Sure, he had putted them in the late afternoon and they probably turned into ice blocks, but they’ll get warmer during the travel.  
Jonathan had just one elegant piece of clothing, and it would be a pity not to wear it at the right occasions.  
The former Archivist tough for a bit on these words, on how it would have been actually convenient to open the door and jump in the car, and then he sighed.  
It was just a road trip, and the car was new! It wouldn’t have been so bad, he would have taken a nap.  
Come one, it wouldn’t have been so bad. And he trusted Martin.  
When he entered in the car, he felt that smell of new plastic that he didn’t felt for a long time, settling on the seat.  
He found that his feet weren’t touching the floor.  
-Look, it’s the new Subaru’s model- said fiercely the man at his side, touching the wheel as it was a child’s cheek. -It’s called model SV-.  
The other one wasn’t understanding a single thing because sleepiness was a bad beast, but he wanted to seem interested.  
-Here there are the gears, here there are the directions and here- he pointed at the radio, bright as a star and impatient to be turned on. -Here takes all the radio frequencies-  
-All of them?-  
-All of them. And if you’re involved in a incident- he moved the wheel, leaving an empty space. -You move this and get out-.  
-Ah, there Japanese are geniuses-  
-Yep-  
-But let me hear the horn because you know that I love the noise of the horn- incited him again, just to hear finally a noise to wake them up once for all.  
The satisfied smirk on Martin’s face froze.  
-Well, since I took the base version the horn is a bit of…- by pressing on the button, the horn produced a weird noise: a comical goose’s “quack”.  
It had to be a joke. It was a joke. It wasn’t possible that this was the horn!  
But his brain was too fried to understand completely, so he tough about the rapid solution.  
-In case we’ll scream- blurted out, shaking his shoulders.  
-In case we’ll scream, right-.  
Martin put the keys to start the gears, making that plastic box issue a series of metal complaints. It was new and it was already complaining? Ridiculous.  
Jon was more awake than before at the fifth attempt from his husband, crossing the arms on his chest.  
-So you’ve take the shack model uh- commented snarkily, and then he tried to open the small mirror in front of him.  
He opened it as he broke, falling on his tights.  
Typical.  
-It’s the model SV, and it’s already a big thing that we have a car-  
-Not my fault if I never had the time to learn how to drive-  
-Look, with everything that happened to you it’s way more better like this-  
Now that they were married the could finally argue like an old couple, without worrying too much about dangers at every corner.  
-Let’s call Tim, to say that we’re leaving- Martin took the phone, passing it to the other man while the car was finally awakening with a series of alarming sounds.  
-It doesn’t have Bluetooth?- while making the number of their former colleague, Jon made an annoyed face.  
It was a rhetoric question: of course there wasn’t the Bluetooth, on that hellish machine.  
-You have to learn of the make things work with what you have- shorted Martin, taking the road that probably would have take them to London.  
-I hope you know where we are going- Jonathan made the number clapping eventually an hand on his forehead.  
-What’s happening?- Martin tried to calm himself, while the hands on the wheel seemed to choke it.  
-I was calling Oliver, I’m so dumb!- laughed the other.  
-You’re not funny. I’ll make it go away the need to call him-  
-But he needs to stop calling me! He’s always so horny!-  
The look shot into him made him loosing the need to joke with his jealousy.  
-Call Tim and quit being an idiot- grumbled again the older, still keeping his eyes on the road.  
The other replied with a bored sigh, taking the phone to his ear.  
-Hello?- he didn’t expected for sure to hear a trilling voice on the other side of the call, it was still morning, when he heard it.  
-Hello?-  
-Hello?-  
-Tim? It’s you?-  
There was no reply. The call stopped.  
-What?- exclaimed Jonathan. -He stopped right on my face!-  
-Call him again-  
A call to the void.  
It was a bad, bad game to play.  
He called again.  
Another call to the void.  
-Maybe he’s occupied…- Martin in certain occasions was really too soft.  
-But he replied!-  
-So he’s tricking you, dear- without leaving the eyes from the road, he took the phone. -And in these cases, you need to fight the fire with fire-.  
He called his former colleague, and finally he replied.  
Maybe he got bored.  
-Hello?-  
-Hello? Mister Timothy Stocker?- when Martin used that deep tone of voice he really sounded like another person.  
-Yes?- Jon could hear vaguely the voice from the other side of the call. -Who’s calling?-  
-It’s the Police Department- maybe he didn’t wanted to tell this loud, but he was doing it for the sole reason to make the other laugh.  
There were too many wasted occasions in the past, and he needed to catch them all again.  
A moment of silence, broke only by the brief laughs from the two.  
-Wrong number-  
-We’re joking, Tim!- Jonathan took the phone again.  
-Of course I knew that- how Tim managed to sound this awake in the morning was a great question. -Have you leaved?-  
Martin couldn’t hear the voice from the other, but it seemed like the conversation hadn’t take the flight yet.  
-We’ve left, yes-  
-Ah, nice- the former Archivist could hear the enthusiasm even trough the phone’s wires. -Because I’m making the rice for this evening. I’ll make the rice and then I’ll make little meatballs made of it and then I’ll put them into the curry-  
Jon knew enough about cooking to know that he could have done all of this in like two hours before dinner, but he stayed silent.  
-Tell him we’ll take the cake- said Martin, taking the release.  
-We’ll take the cake- repeated then the other, crossing the legs.  
A moment of statics, the noise of the car around them.  
-Nice. Sasha takes the pastries- from the other side of the call, Tim took the list. -Basira takes the fried stuff and Melanie the drinks and the Uno card for the after dinner-.  
The after dinner, what a good invention.  
-Nice, we’ll call you again-  
-Call again, bye-  
-Bye-  
-Bye- the call stopped, leaving the two in the darkest silence.  
-The what?- Martin heard a few things, none of them reassuring.  
-Don’t ask- cut it short the other, putting the phone on his legs.  
They spent a lot of minutes in silence, when Martin’s face distorted itself in an annoyed smirk.  
-Look at this jerk- blurted out, pointing at the car ahead of them, that was actually going at a human pace on the empty road.  
-He’s drunk, come on- Jonathan tried to touch the ceiling with his fingertips. -There’s no need to make it a tragedy-.  
-He’s slowing everyone here- Martin started to use the horn, that was emitting all of his repertory of tortured goose’s noises.  
-But there’s no need to make it a tra- the other interrupted himself when he saw his husband’s head out of the window.  
Bad omens approaching.  
-Ehy, idiot!- he forgot how Martin’s voice could be so scary, when he screamed. And out of the window, in the cold and the ice.  
Maybe they’d take the next car together.  
-Martin, I-  
-Go ahead, fucking jerk. Look at how slow you are, are your feet glued to the brakes?!- continued the other, with a rage that rarely showed.  
Weird for everyone, that handmade horn was doing his duty, and the driver putted his head back in the car.  
There was ice into his locks.  
-On the road you need to be aggressive Jonathan. It’s the first thing they teach you at driving school-  
-Yea, but it’s six in the fucking morning. At midday what are your intentions? You’ll throw hand grenades?-  
-Of course, they’re in the vain- Martin pointed his eyes to the sky, leaving everything to the usual noise of the car on the road.  
-You’ve even ruined an atmosphere that there’s only at six in the morning- Jon started to point the view in front of him, with a dreamy voice. -Look, the mountains illuminated by the sun, and the blue sky, and…-  
-The crossing cows!-  
-And the crossing co- Jonathan didn’t managed to finish the sentence when he found himself carried out, stopped only by the safety belt.  
An heard of cows was crossing the road, in all their slowness.  
-At least we know the belts work- murmured Martin, the eyes wide opened and full of surprise.  
They stayed still, looking at the beasts that inevitably were continuing their crossing.  
Jon often though about how beautiful would it be to be a cow. And eat, and sleep, and eat, and sleep.  
And then get yourself killed for your meat.  
But it’s the travel that count, not the destination.  
-Look at these beautiful cows- found himself saying. -Can we adopt one of them? A small cow-  
-But you said you wanted a cat- replied Martin.  
-You’re not wrong, but that would be amazing-  
-You’re right, you’re right-  
A cow in their garden would have been a great investiment.  
The more they were looking at those cows, the more the conviction about how beautiful was the world stayed in their minds.  
After half an hour or so of crossing, the managed to restart.  
-What a beautiful herd. At least I managed to stop- admitted satisfied the driver, trying to make the car restart.  
First attempt.  
-It’s the cold, now it get warm- whispered nervous, under the gaze of his resigned husband.  
Second attempt. A deadly noise that made his figure.  
-No really, it’s the cold-  
Third attempt. A mechanical cough.  
-You really got the super shack model-  
-Quit being an asshole, Jonathan Sims-  
-It’s the truth. Now the car doesn’t start and we’ll arrive at London for New Year’s Eve-  
-Quit throwing misfortune, everything is going to start!- and Martin finally loose his temper. -Now everything starts, now everything starts and everything fucking starts! Everything starts!- he throw a fist to the wheel.  
And the car started.  
-Everything started!- trilled at the end, leaving his husband watching him with a look in the middle between scared and worried.  
And they went on. To London.  
London. Since when didn’t they go to London? And how the space-time has been modified, after Jonah’s killing?  
They didn’t wanted to know it, because apparently everyone was fine and in perfect health, and they still had that awesome house in Scotland.  
They found new jobs too! How lucky, really.  
How lucky.  
But the scars didn’t disappeared.  
Jonathan in the meantime fell asleep, leaving his head hanging on his chest and his fingers between his husband’s ones, that kept the radio low not to wake him up.  
The situation was good, everything was good. The sun was high, the day began to get a little bit warmer and everything seemed to be...just fine.  
Everything fine.  
Everything fine.  
They left the motorway since a few hours, fearing the massive tailbacks, and he choose the country roads that, exactly as he expected, were desert.  
Even the roads were perfect. Fields on fields on fields. Roads smooth as baby’s skin shining under the sun, when the torture began.  
At the fifth hole taken, Jon woke up.  
-What’s happening?- muttered with the voice still kneaded by sleep, the world blurry to his eyes.  
-Nothing- replied the other, tried to maintain the control over his jumping car. -Go back to sleep-.  
-Apocalypse?-  
-Unpaved road, honey-  
-Why did you…?-  
-Matter of- another hole -of time-  
-The Christmas lunch from ‘95 is coming up, I tell you-  
-Don’t me such a drama queen-  
-I don’t have a rib! Everything is shaking!-  
Other holes.  
-I’m not joking- Jonathan went as pale as a cloth, gulping heavily. -Please, stop this thing-.  
-Alright, alright. Let’s search a pitch-  
-Martin- Jon putted his hand on the handle. -Stop. Now. Please-.  
The car stopped in the middle of the road, letting the poor former Archivist crawl out.  
Needless to say, he threw out his soul just set a foot out that killing machine, under Martin’s guilty gaze.  
Maybe it was a bad choice going through that road.  
-Let’s go back to the motorway, okay?- said in the cold winter air, while the other putted his fingers around the tea’s flask Martin was passing to him.  
-If you do a thing like this again- he spat -I swear I ask a divorce-  
-We’re not even officially married!-  
-Then I’ll marry you and I’ll ask a divorce-  
Back to their seats, Martin tried to go way more slowly, finding the fastest way to the motorway.  
And the eventual tailbacks.  
-Now we’re stuck as fishes in a can- complained the driver.  
-Well, at least now the Christmas lunch from ‘96 is safe- putting his hand on his chest, Jonathan sighed with satisfaction.  
They were still, and though about the fact that neither of them ate a single thing since they leaved.  
Martin always kept some snacks in the vain, and the new car didn’t changed the habits.  
-Now you’re taking the hand grenades?- asked Jonathan with a smirk.  
-I’ve got a bunch of bounties if you want though- Martin passed him one of those things covered in metal coloured foil. -But the hand grenades didn’t fit here-.  
-We’ll arrive late- Jonathan took a bite out of that coconut covered chocolate bar.  
-Always complaining, uh?-  
-I’m just telling the truth-  
-Your truth is annoying-  
-Okay- Jon ended the snack, leaving his head on the door, and then closed his eye. -Since I’m annoying, I’m gonna take a nap-  
-And so take a nap- grunted the driver, seeing after a bunch of seconds that the other actually fell asleep almost immediately.  
Ah, all those years of non-stop working…  
-And he’s so pretty when he sleep, he’s an asshole only when he’s awake- said to himself, tapping the fingertips on the wheel. And he was right: Jonathan sleeping looked like a true Apocalypse angel, with his grey striped black hair or his pout from which shot a trickle of saliva.  
Then awake was just the Apocalypse.  
After a while, the tailback started to move, and the famous Subaru Shack Model could finally proceeds into its journey.

**Author's Note:**

> This whole thing was inspired by the sketch "Subaru Baracca" by the Italian comedic trio Aldo Giovanni e Giacomo. The funny thing is that the target audience is me, but if you want you can leave comments and kudos, they're really appreciated!  
> I have a Tumblr, if you want (axe-armed-gnome-jon), and yeah.  
> Have a good day.


End file.
